My Way: A Commentary of My Immortal
by Phx-Songbird
Summary: The classic literary assault on the english language with comments by me. Share the joy, the laughter, the fake suicide attempts and the really bad fashion. Take a walk on the boulevard of brokens dreams that leads to the horror that is My Immortal.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, and welcome to ****the seventh circle of Hell... uh... I meant**** my commentary of My Immortal. If you are unfamiliar with this classic piece of FanFiction you make want to get acquainted with the original first. Since the admins here decided that it brought down the collective IQ of this site it was deleted. You can find it in its entirety at ( **_**myimmortalrehost . webs .com**_** ) remove the spaces, you know the drill. **

**Anything you recognize is not mine. Anything you don't recognize probably isn't mine either. I am only claiming the words written in BOLD. Some comments are written as full sentences, others are just random inserts. If there are any misspelled words I can only say that making corrections to my comments while keeping the integrity of the original text proved to be more challenging than I ever thought possible. That, and the fact the my hands would shake furiously from time to time. Mostly with frustration.**

**This first post will only contain one chapter because this rant is so long. All other posts will contain two chapters each, only because I refuse to commit more time than necessary to this. Those of you who are familiar with this, have already done the math. Don't fret my dears, after the last chapter I will include an 'epilogue' of sorts. I have already completed the commentary to all the existing chapters I will try to post daily as time permits.**

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(if you need to let us know that its 'not in that way' you may not be so sure your self…hmm) **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin **(I wonder if you exist outside of Tara's imagination) **ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia **(explains a whole lot)** Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(how original) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(what the fuck?) **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee **(in your dreams Tara, only in your dreams) **(AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(first major issue with this chick 'ok with incest')** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight **(making you an impotent vampire how the hell would you suck blood out any living creature without fangs) **and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. **(so do I but I'm pretty sure it does not make me goth)** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(the phenomenon also known as... sleet)** so there was no sun, **(I should think not)** which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. **(because you look like a scary clown)** I put up my middle finger at them. **(ooh, real creative)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(if he's lucky you will stay away)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(if you have to ask you should already know the answer)**


	2. Chapters 2&3

**Hello once again. I hoped your enjoyed (or at the very least tolerated) the first instalment. Here are chapters two and three. How I managed to read this crap in its entirty is beyond comprehension. I admit that I have become obsessed with it. Now I understand how heroin addicts feel. Seriously, you know it's killing you slowly, but you have to have more and more. If I don't finish it's because I've died of an aneurysm.**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(if everyone stopped flaming it than there would have been no point in reading it)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. **(at least the weather is consistent as nothing else in this sham of a story is)** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle** (do they sell bottled blood at Hot Topic?)** I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **(Can you buy one of these at Hot Topic too? I so want one. It may just be the cure I need for my insomnia. Well, that and a full time employment, but I'll take whatever help I can get.) **I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(Send in the Sues) **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(I suppose she has the inner eye since she could grin at you before opening her eyes.)**She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(blah, blah, blah… who cares?)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(There's no need to shout she just asking a question.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Really? Muggle bands in Hogsmeade, and a snobby muggle hating pureblood like Draco wants to go see them play. This is so realistic.)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(I couldn't tell.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(and choked on your own saliva and died.) Darn. It keeps going.**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(You don't own good fashion sense or a word processing program with spell check either)**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **(I've yet to hear anyone in this story using any spells, this is a magical school right? I hope Ebony knows a good warming spell, because it's cold as shit in Scotland where Hogwarts is actually located inspite of what Tara/Ebony whoever thinks.)** I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(She says this like most people would say 'I was a bit hungry, so I had snack.') **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black **(damn girl you manage to polish your nails after slitting your wrists) **and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **(you would be after a the blood loss from your litlle cutting session, but that didn't stop you from putting some on yesterday)**. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Wait, aren't those illegal? Didn't the ministry launch an inquiry on Arthur Weasley after it was discovered that he had modified a muggle car to enable it to fly?)** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(Yes, they are called drag queens and they are way cool)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(How do you say something in a depressed voice followed by an exclamation point?)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **(how original)** and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs **(I may start smoking again before I'm through with this. Drugs might be necessary too if I'm going to stay sane.)**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

**(*sigh* I used to like GC before I read this fic.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **(Of course you did, because everyone wants to fuck you. Poor Draco. I never really liked him but I still feel bad for him.****)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. **(Wouldn't that make him a poser? He's going out with a prep… I gasped.) **I fucking hate that little bitch." **(Do I sense a little hostility?) **I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Blonde face? Is she related to cousin It?)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **(You drank so much beer you had to crawl into the car? It's called DUI and it's illegal. It really doesn't matter since Draco's car is illegal.) **but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…... **(wait for it) **the Forbidden Forest!

**dom, dom dom... until next time when we return with another exciting episode of... My Immortal (or Tara's Delusional Goffik Adventures in Hogwarts)**


	3. Chapters 4&5

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(still trying to make sense out of that) **nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **(if that's what being in love does to a person I want no part of it)** dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(like the whole six years that they went to school together. What a fucking dumbass.)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. **(Really? I couldn't tell.) **"What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, **(and plummeted to their untimely but most welcome deaths.)**curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. **(bitch)**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**(Where in all of the wizarding world would someone purchase these?)** which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **(huh?)** and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly **(*giggles*)** against a tree. **(Was this a fallen tree? How else could he climb on top of **_**and **_**make out against a tree.)** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. **(Still waiting for spells. I hope they have good warming charms, and condoms.)** Then he put his thingie **(Do you mean his dick, cock, willie, penis, johnson, manhood, the one-eyed monster… any of these would be better than 'thingie')** into my you-know-what **(What, are your five? It's called a vagina! See, that wasn't so hard now, was it?)** and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

**(This is the best part of this whole fic. If you really plan to go through with the whole thing just know that this is as good as it's going to get.)**

It was….Dumbledore! **(Bad ass Dumbledore!)**

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **(cock sucking, ass munching, ball licking mother fucking, syphilitic crack smoking, two cent whore… I am so sorry. I have the most horrible headache. It may even be a migraine.) **ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **(Yeah that's why he was mad. It had nothing to do with the fact that you were in the _Forbidden _Forest.) **PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(if only this were true)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **(I don't know what Ludacris has to do with any of this, but I love this line.)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(You really should see a doctor about that)** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(A bigger truth has never been written during the course of this story. Ebony is indeed a mediocre dunce, and since Ebony and the author are one and the same… need I say more.)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **(The only line in this farce where he is actually in character.)**

And then Draco shrieked. **(wuss)** "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(idiot!)**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(What? I know that they are Slytherins so he wouldn't dock points from his own house, but I just can't see Snape letting them walk away with no punishment.)**

Draco and I went upstairs **(Hold up wait a minute… isn't the Slytherin common room in the dungeons?) **while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(Huh? Why would you be changing into a floor length dress? Should you be getting ready for bed or something?)**When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered,** (Is this Hogwarts, or a bad episode of Glee. I love Glee, but this is what a bad episode would like.) **even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

**Seriously, I don't care if anybody reviews this. I had so much fun tearing this shit to shreds that I would do again.**


	4. Chapters 6&7

**I will continue. Nothing will stop me. Not even the Mary Sues with torches and pitch forks outside my house. Just kidding folks. I 'm just having so much fun with that I can't stop. I am completely obsessed with this rubbish. It has consumed most of my waking hours and some sleeping ones too. I had a dream that Tara was trying to suck my blood, but since she doesn't have fangs I was able to flip her anemic ass over and pin her down like they do on Smack Down.**

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(Is that like an unbreakable vow?)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **(blah, blah, blah) **I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses **(crosses, on a vampire - FUCKING POSER PREP)** in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(Why? Spray paint? Really? Besides, I thought your hair already had purple streaks in it.)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula **(Wheaties is the breakfast of champions, and this sugary shit is the breakfast of real hardcore Goths.)** cereal with blood instead of milk, **(yummy, not)** and a glass of red blood **(as opposed to green blood – geddit cuz she's in Slytherin)**. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(couldn't find his you know what) **and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(Really, an English accent? …in a British school? No way! If you're going to mention his accent you should be a bit more specific about it. There is more than one kind, dumbass.)** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**(You're the fucking sicko, either that or your just so fucking stupid that you can't find the right words to describe arousal. Yeah, I'm going with that.)** **(FYI: the clitoris can become erect, but this chick probably wouldn't even know where to find hers with a map. ****I'm not trying to be mean... **** well actually I am, and saying anything to the contrary would make me both a liar and a hypocrite - but really, just judging by the descriptions of human anatomy here do honestly believe she can.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **(someone in character, Harry is shy around girls - it won't last)**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **(You mean to tell me that this is your seventh year and you don't who Harry Potter is. Do you live under a fucking rock?)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed. **(I'd like to know why too.)**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(Giggled, like a bitch? Oh no, she turned him into Dragula.)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **(wimp)**

"Yeah." I roared. ***growl* I feel the sudden urge to sing I am woman hear me roar.**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(It's poison. Please tell me it's poison. No? Oh, fuck.)**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life **(or Killing me Softly with This Crap)**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **(I don't believe you, but if anyone gave a positive review to this story it was only in the interest of keeping the shit going.) **n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue **(Ah, I see the problem now. She's French.) **ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **(She has demonic lice eggs?) **n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

**(how'd that z sneak in there?) **XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. **(why do we need to know this) **I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish **(I thought it was black) **(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)**(um, yes)**. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **(How could he possibly be jealous of you and Draco. He just met you. You fucking delusional whore.)** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively **(honestly, do people even call it that anymore. another thing that leaves me disturbed is how anyone can you manage to do it passively.) **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **(you french passively but you disrobe enthusiastically WHORE... no scratch that whores enjoy kissing... COMMON STREET CORNER PROSTITUTE.)** He felt me up before I took of my top. **(What a gentleman)** Then I took off my black leather bra **(sounds very uncomfortable) **and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(wait… you have a boy's thingie? Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Hermaphrodite Raven Way 'geddit cuz she gut a boiz thingie 2')** and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(extremely)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo **(must have been fake because I can't focus enough to see anything when I'm having one)** I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(Vampire is one word.)**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" **(I'm almost certain that Draco's parents are married.) **I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **(Did you Ebony, did you.)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(Guess what slut? If he has it so do you. I've yet to see the use of a condom in this fic.)**

I put on my clothes all huffily **(like the petulant little child you are) **and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **(To mad to care, but not too mad to notice. Giggity. )** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom **(that's a long way to stomp your feet must hurt like hell) **where he was having a lesson **(How did you know he was there? Oh, probably because you should have been there too. SLUT.)** with Professor Snape and some other people. **(Probably preps since you didn't bother to describe the slutty outfits they were wearing.)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

**(Another cliffie ending in mother fucker. How does she do it? It was probably frustration after she faked the big O.)**

**Will Professor Snape throw a wobbly? Will Vampire suck all of Ebony's AIDs contaminated blood just to shut the bitch up? Get the answers to these intriguing questions and more on the next instalment of... My Immortal.**


	5. Chapters 8&9

**Ok people listen up. I know I said I didn't care if anybody reviewed... but honestly who the fuck was I kidding. I want to know if I am as fucked as I think I am.**

**Thanks to Dani5683 for the first review. U rok!111**

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing **(always remember to flass after every meal) **ok! if u do den u r a prep!

Everyone in the class stared at me **(because you're a freak)** and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked **(eek! a penis) **and started begging me to take him back. **(pussy)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(I've screamed angrily, painfully, excitedly in anguish, but never sadly.)**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair **(What's with the waist length black hair. I have waist length black hair. It doesn't make me goth.)** and opened her crimson eyes like blood **(oy vey, again with the contact lenses) **that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. **(Whatever for?) **Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires **(they were dentists godammit) **and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide **(I would too if I were a part of this)** because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and sh e is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith B **(She's not Hermione, and her last name is not Granger. Why use this character at all if you're not keeping either of her real names. This would be an OC or a very stupid Mary Sue, like everybody else in this damn piece of shit seems to be.)** and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism **(that seems to solve everyone's problems in Tara's world) **she is in Slytherin **(actually spells it right) **now not Griffindoor. ) **(just can't seem to get it right)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **(Right you are Sev.) **Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(You. Wouldn't. Dare.)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" **(what? I thought she was screwing – uh I mean going out with Draco. How is it then, that Vampire is the one that cheated on her.) **I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped. **(Is there a lack of oxygen in the Highlands, because everyone seems to gasp a lot.)**

**('POV' change for no apparent reason, and no warning or page break of any kind)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **(we need this information because…) **for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney,**(ah Britney… this is probably the real cause of all the angst in ****Ebony's... um,**** Tara's life. I would bet that the 'stupid prep' is everything our protagonist here wishes she could be)** a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. **(Being 'gothic' makes all the horrible problems go away. *poof* like magic except that we have yet to see any) **(Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**(ha, ha yes you would since you are one)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" **(She sure does like calling people bastards. I'm sure that James and Lily were happily married when Harry came along.) **I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **(Virility? as in a man's ability to procreate? Can't say I blame him… uh, her. I have certainly lost any desire to engage in any kind of sexual congress after reading all the crappy lemons in this fic. A nun could write a better sex scene than the ones so horribly depicted here.)** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! **(You can read?)** dis is frum da movie **(Which movies was she watching?)** ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **(Breaking News - Fictional characters swear of their own accord: story at eleven.)** besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **(Ha! Just what I needed, a fabricated excuse to use swear words. I don't really need a reason, just an excuse, and this one is as good as any.)** and da reson snap dosent lik harry now **(now? Snape has never liked Harry) **is coz hes Christian **(I sincerely doubt that Snape is a Christian. he could be but, there's nothing in this story that would make me buy that concept)** and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX! **(I used to think so, but I will probably never listen to them the same way again.)**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(ewww dried cum)**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose **(you just said that in the previous sentence)** (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **(Really, how did you come to that conclusion?)** It was… Voldemort! **(You just said that.)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" **(Really… ****Hermione's, no... ****B'loody Mary's cat? Does he really have that kind of power? Should we call him Feline-who-must-not-be-named?) **I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **(Oh, I see now. You meant crucio.) **I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist **(Do you even know what a true sadist is? Bellatrix is a sadist, she doesn't feel bad and stops inflicting pain. It makes her feel good so she keeps it up.)** so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(Not satisfied with just butchering modern American English, you had go old school too.)**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah **(every time I read 'sexah' in this shit it makes me think of Molly Shannon saying 'super star')** eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **(I don't see it, must be the red contacts.)** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **(OK, let me see if I understand this. You had to run into the most evil wizard of our time to understand that the guy that you had been ****fucking**** dating for one and half days could have possibly gone out with some else before you.)**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **(For such a mediocre dunce you sure can fight off the imperius curse. Well as you don't posses much of mind, it must be hard to keep control over it.)**

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged. **(He gave you a gun. Why not shoot the son of a bitch and get this over with?) **

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

**(Can you imagine Voldemort hissing Shakespeare's Sonnets?)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **(A look I'm sure you are quite familiar with.)** "I hath telekinesis." **(cool, he can move objects with mind still doesn't explain how he knows) **he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **(he doesn't need a fucking broom he can fly dammit)**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **(yes I geddit a pentagram instead of a cross cuz ur goffik and a Satanist and a FUCKING IDIOT) (I feel like I die a little every time I get one her stupid puns)** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(you should be)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed **(Is he depressed because you got back together.) **and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

**No exciting cliffie here I'm afraid all we get is Mary S… uh, I mean Ebony and Draco swapping spit. Stay tuned for more sh… I mean more, um yeah, shit just about sums it up. **


	6. Chapters 10&11

**I got reviews. I am so happy that I've decided to post this today and I'll probably post the next in a couple of hours. Thanks to Uncreativenamethinker and jen for reviewing. u fokin rok!111**

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags **(redundant and offensive) **if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle **(News Flash bitch, Hermione isn't a muggle either. She is a student at ****Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry****. If you had any clue about the HP universe you would know that muggles can't even see the castle. I digress, because that is the least of the problems this piece of shit story has.) **afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **(They can't do that. I can see it happening in fannon to enhance the plot of a story, but since this story lacks any plot it's quite pointless.)**

I was really scared about Vlodemort **(so he's Russian now) **all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **(of course you are) **People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **(Three completely different styles. Oh, and you have the singing voice of a man)** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo **(huh? He's a juggling prop now.)** now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) **(Why must everybody have black hair?)** and Hargrid. **(rock on Hagrid!)** Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **(yet you paint them on your nails and wear them in your ears)** or a steak) **(somebody slap this bitch with a New York strip)** and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **(I love that movie and I don't think it's depressing at all, a bit dark, but not depressing.)** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **(why? Although at this point it shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Screwing Ebony is a Simple Plan, so it's quite fitting.)** You might think I'm a slut **(I don't think it honey, but if you want me to believe otherwise you're going to have to come up with a better argument than that.)** but I'm really not.

We were singing **(I thought you were just writing songs because Draco and Vampire were not available for rehearsals) **a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **(and here I thought you were only going to bust out of your top)**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" **(Is this bitch PMSing, or is she bipolar?)**I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **(How was B'loody Mary supposed know that? Maybe she has telekinesis too.) **

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **(Stalker!Draco –note to self might make a good fic… never mind, anything that comes out of this mess can never make a good fic)**

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(No it's not. How refreshing)**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **(Never mind, the moments over. Back to the OOC shit that's the norm here.)**

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. **(Tears of wisdom are better than tears of blood I suppose)** (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **(I thought Vampires couldn't die from slit wrists.)**

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

**(I'd rather be friendless than have friends like Raven. Was she seriously helping here?)**

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off **(If this is the way Tara treats friends in RL then she deserves every flame she got for this.)** and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **(I'm sure that being headmaster would give him the right to enter any room in the school he's been commissioned to run. Especially if the life of a student were in danger. The only perv here is Tara.)**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes **(your wrists got all over your clothes)** so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily **(don't rub yourself raw, you might want to do it again)** while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak **(damn it, all this talk of steak is making me hungry) **and almost stuck it into my heart **(How? Was it a T-bone?)** to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating **(it was the steak! Damn it! Why does Lupin get to eat the steak!)** to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **(didn't you just put bore me to tears (not of blood) with a description of your trashy outfit. How the fuck are you naked you dumb cunt.)** ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **(The picture in my head of Harry thrusting his pelvis at Snape and Lupin is hillarious.)** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times **(magical Voldemort gun with never ending ammo)** and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **(a wand finally makes an appearance)**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom **(they fly on brooms not run, besides Hagrid would probably be too big for one so why would he run with one. I think this would be the muggle equivalent of running with scissors.)** and said everyone we need to talk.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little **(dude he's a half giant and is eight feet tall)** Hogwarts student **(yeah, back in the 1940's)**!"

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **(I'm not just the Hair Club President, I'm also a client. -an American TV ad that this line brings to mind for some strange reasson.)**

"This cannot be." Snap **(Crackle, and Pop)** said in a **(rice) **crisp**(ies)** voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **(What could they possibly be? We'll never find out, and it's probably better that way.)**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **(Dumbo doing a victory dance?)** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **(you can't use muggle electronic devices in or around Hogwarts you mediocre dunce)**

I felt faint, more than I normally do **(You normally feel faint? You really should see a doctor.) **like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. **(sorry Ebony can't relate)**

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands **(why are his hands dirty please don't let it have anything to do with mastication)** on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. **(how is this bitch going to suck the blood out of anyone she is an ineffectual vampire with straight teeth as per her description in the first chapter)**

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. **(Wouldn't that be his pink umbrella?) **Then swooped he in **(I'd be ducking for cover if Hagrid swooped in anywhere near my vicinity.)** singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.**(He waved his wand in da air singing a gothic 50cent song like he just don't care and if think this is the shitiest fic you've ever read say Oh yeah! Oh yeah!)**

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice **(The only people Snape was afraid of are Dumbledore and Voldemort. He wasn't afraid of Hagrid and surely was not afraid of some punk ass student with too much make up, an identity crisis, and lack of self-esteem) **cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!"

**My AN: As a Snape I fan was terribly offended by this. First of all, if any of the characters in the Harry Potter universe had any Gothic-like characteristics, it was Snape. Let's start with the fact the he always wears black. His clothing is that of a true Goth. It preserves his modesty, not some trampy run of the mill, get it at a mall near you!, bull shit Tara proclaims to be Goth. Severus Snape did not talk about death and depression, he confronted it and he lived with it. **

**My second and most important point is; where does this little whore get off by turning one of the most brilliant characters in this series into a paedophile. He is a snide, cruel, vindictive, and petty… I can go on for days about the horrible person, and teacher he was, but he did not put his students in danger. He would risk his very life to protect them from it. He hated Harry Potter with a passion, but he would never allow anything to happen to him. Only a cretin of the highest degree could categorize him as such. You've taken a wonderful fandom and have perverted it in the worst way possible. I hate you Tara Gilesbie, you disgust me.**

**Phew, so glad I got that off my chest. Now we can move on with this travesty. Until next time my dearies. **

**Free bottle o' blood with every review.**


	7. Chapters 12&13

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! **(As a product of the American Public School system I must say this is some serious bullshit. I am appalled that this cunt would even say such a thing. I'm not saying that things like that don't happen, but seriously, three paedophiles in one school. Not bloody likely. You my dear, should not be addressing **_**any**_** issues, since you can't even spell the damn word right.) **how du u no snap iant kristian **(I know that Snape is not a Christian because if he were he would have cast out the demons that live inside your head. Since he is a fictional character and can't do that, you really should see a psychiatrist. They have great medication for what ails you. Trying dealing with your own 'ishus' first.)** plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric **(Cedric died at the end of Harry's fourth year, ass wipe.) **ok!

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy **(the enemies are inside your head, stab your temple with it) **but I knew that we must both go together.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. **(Vampire Potter you mother fucker! Why couldn't you let the dumb bitch die!)** He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(Can somebody, anybody explain to me how this is even possible.)**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **(It's his fucking scar, and I think he would know if it hurts.)**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." **(whatever) **he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! **(Even though it's his destiny to destroy the most powerful wizard alive, only Ebony can save him.)** then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(kinky *waggles eye brows suggestively*)**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. **(When did you manage to slit your wrists? You're a fucking vampire. Why do you need to see the nurse to recover from that?)** Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's **(is that the patron saint of fruit) **after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **(Where are they? All I see is a buch of anorexic, pathetic, poser, wanna be goth chicks.)** Dumbledore had constipated **(sounds painful)** the cideo camera they took of me naked **(The trashy clothes you took an entire paragraph to describe must not count, but then again it probably left very little to the imagination so you may as well have been naked. Whore.)**. I put up my middle finger at them. **(Wow, you are so unique… not. Poser.)**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink **(then why is the inside of your coffin hot pink)** anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik. **(that's unforgiveable)**

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video **(she can cuss like it's going out of style but she can't write the word porn) **made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **(so sad really) **to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **(Yes, oh sage one. Your wisdom will save us all.)**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!" **(What the fuck was that?)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?" **(what the fuck is Drako?)**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **(to see what is in the flames you have to learn to read and write first)**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF **(good, now get lost) **OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

**(Is she for real. Hagrid loves Dumbledore.)**

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. **(blah, blah, blah)** There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **(who cares)** I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) **(in your dreams)** and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. **(Why? Is it because somebody that's not you actually looks good?) **I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **(eww the hygienic implications of that statement make me cringe) **I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. I went to some classes. **(Classes, at a school… wow that's different.)**Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **(Is this class the magical version of dog grooming? I wonder if they learn to braid unicorns and stuff.) **He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. **(I thought Vampire wasn't a real vampire. (which would make him a poser Ebony) Wouldn't he drink the bottled blood?)**

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. **(so he just dropped the random Huff he was sucking blood out of just to hi to you) **"Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic **(they were green like his mother's stupid, ignorant, moronic bitch) **eyes so much like Dracos. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(Have I called you a whore before? Yup, I sure have but some things just bear repeating. Whore.)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" **(Dear God give a situation to use this line in real life. Amen.) **shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(Exhibitionist whore.)**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **(Fucking cock tease)**

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. **(it's like deja vu)**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

**(didn't this just happen… is this some sort of Ground Hog Day crossover. I have a headache… bloody fucking son of a bitch…**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **(Why was Raven supposed to write your story?)**

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

Chapter 13.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! **(You fucking thieving, bitch.) **PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **(Very good description of poser gothic kids.)**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." **(Me either. Dumblydore Rox!)** then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **(Yeah, like totally, and the only place on earth they want anything to do with you is in this story.)**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **(You can't apparate in or out of Hogwarts. Just ask B'loody Mary.)**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice **(so he's like Frank Sinatra or something)** say. "Allah Kedavra!" **(Sweet Mohammed, he's Muslim!)**

It was….. Voldemort! **(didn't you apparate to his lair of course it's fucking Voldemort****)**

**Though the pen be mightier than the sword, I would rather have the sword to slash this bitch's throat. Somebody should cut her fingers off to ensure that she never, ever uses a keyboard again. Ok, maybe that's a bit harsh but something like this should never ever happen in fanfiction again.**

**Samples of white foundation in exchange for reviews. XD**


	8. Chapters 14&15

**Thank you to my faithful reviewers. I've been having internet issues so updates will not happen as frequently as I would like. I will update as often as possible until I get this fixed. The good news is that I have all the chapters ready to post, including my epilogue. When my internet problems are resolved I will post like a mad woman. In the mean time enjoy this little tidbit.**

Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **(and you didn't die! damn, damn, damn)** PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **(Damn. I'm gonna have to wipe my screen when I'm done.)**

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **(I don't care how old he is in this. Wormtail is creepy and gross at any age, but he is human and no human male can resist the charms of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.)**

"Huh?" I asked.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. **(Three vampires, and nobody takes a sip. How strange.)**

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking **(So he's a medieval, Muslim, drag queen)** to us. So we got on our broomsticks **(I'm almost afraid to ask where these broomsticks where hiding. So I won't, but I'll use my very vivid imagination. *tee hee*) **and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

"What's wrong honey?" **(she just killed a man) **asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. **(at a time like this that's all you can think about. High five mother fucker you finally grew a pair.)** He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah **(super star)**) and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **(your descriptions of male anatomy may turn me off to sex for life)**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly **(she used to be smart too, before you turned her into a zombie poser)** or anything."

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **(Right, because Ebony is as pure as the driven snow. After the ploughs have driven over it.)**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me!**(I'm gonna go slit muh wrists now.)** Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail **(didn't you just kill him)** is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! **(so then why were you fucking Vampire in a classroom full of people) **Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) **(she is the definition of a snob and a paranoid schizophrenic too) **"Im good at too many things! **(spelling clearly is not one of them)** WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" **(you must be cursed nobody can be this fucking stupid) **I shouted and then I ran away.

**(The really big "you know what" award for the world's worst Mary Sue ever goes to... *drum roll* Tara Gilesbie**

Chapter 15.

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! **(damn, I wish the original was still on here so I could go flame every chapter… twice) **fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. **(in a school of magic?)**

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. **(I've tried to ignore this, but I can't do it anymore. Hogwarts has a FUCKING UNIFORM. Most public schools in the U.S. do not mandate the use of a uniform, but all the private ones do. Even a dumb fuck like this should know that. A boarding school would have an even stricter dress code than a day school. That would mean that even on weekends and after class you can't go around dressing like a BLOODY FUCKING CHEAP STREET CORNER HOOKER.) **Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! **(Wouldn't this be advanced transfiguration work?)**

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. **(of course you are)** Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. **(didn't you try to three chapters ago) **Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" **(Draco singing a GC song… does not compute) **(we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) **(yet you keep bringing up her name)** and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. **(they were clapping because as long as you were swaping spit you would be quite)** Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked **(a muggle band playing a concert in an all wizard village in the middle of fucking nowhere, yes quite shocking) **and then we went 2gether.

**Thanks for reading. I apologize for the inadvertant loss of brain cells. To prevent permanent damage engage in some form of intellectual activity after reading every chapter.**


	9. Chapters 16&17

Thanks for the reviews.

Chapter 16.

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! **(Bloody hell, what fucking language is this supposed be. The sad part is that I can read it. Damn, when did I become fluent in idiot. Must have spent too much time obsessing over this garbage. Somebody get me to rehab. fml)**

We ran happily **(aren't you supposed to be depressed all the time… you fucking preppy posers)** to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy!**(happy happy joy joy!)** Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black **(whore) **leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. **(who cares)** Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. **(blah blah blah blah blah)** Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. **(and you plummeted to the ground because nobody wanted to risk catching your stupidity)** Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. **(Masks? What the hell ever happened to good old fashion polyjuice potion.)**We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted **(huh… oh he fidgeted) **uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. **(What guys don't like to talk about sex. Every guy I ever met likes to talk about it. Hell, most girls do too. What alternate universe does this chick live in. Unless he was anally raped or something. If that were the case that would make you the most insensitive bitch on the planet.)**

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice. **(we you what?)**

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." **(threesome… if this were any other author I'd be excited right now)**

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina **(sex change!) **or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly. **(not possible)**

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me.

I was flattened **(oh I wish) **cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

"OK then I guess I will have to." **(Damn you're easy.) **I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. **(I doubt that you do since you can barely speak English, but I will leave you to your delusions)** dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math. **(I guess you couldn't spell arithmancy so you substituted math in its place)**" (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) **(Thanks Raven, your lack of input turned this already bad fic worse. You rock bitch!)**

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. **(Of course she will. How dare that dumb bitch steal your sweater! You stole her poster, but that's not important.)**

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. **(oxymoron)** "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her **(Who is this bitch and how dare you call her Hermione. Hermione is compassionate and caring. She is loyal to her friends and would do anything to defend them, but that does not make her a callous bitch who would unjustifiably murder someone.)** and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." **(uh... just can't go there. This bitch won't say cock or pussy, but she will discuss necrophilia. What kind of crack was this bitch smoking when she wrote this?)**

"Kawai." I commnted happily . **(just tell me what was cute about any of that)** We talked to each other in silence **(hello silence my old friend, I've come to talk with again) **for da rest uv da movie.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping." **(totally preps)**

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" **(abso-fucking-lutely)**

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." **(Good thing too, because who has the time to go all the way to America just to shop for a concert in Hogsmeade.)**

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!)**(then why are you saying it to us)**. Or me.**(How could it possibly be you if you didn't know about them.)**

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms." **(Here broomy, broomy. 'geddit she's calling the brooms')**

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly.

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." **(What the fuck were you doing in his office, giving him a blow job? Eww oh God I need an obliviate) **She told me. "Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE **(omfg is he or isn't he?)** and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs."

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked. **(yeah the real ones because none of you would know what one looks like if they smacked you in the face)**

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! **(especially the ones right in front of you)** Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." **(Why would you even need to know this)**

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, **(right, because every man on the planet wants to see you naked. NOT!) **running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause **(I'm probably gonna fuck you sooner or later and the cost of this cheap piece of generic crap will have been worth it)** u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA **(Mary Sue took her mask off and it was…. Tara)** way what's yours?"

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" **(How this makes him a sick perv is beyond me.)** I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, **(everyone begs Tara to go out with them. She's so fucking hot. NOT!)** Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"

Chapter 17.

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! **(Aww it's so sweet goffik love)**

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). **(If you said he was gay I might have bought this. Being bisexual does not make you a fashionista. Bi-guys are just dudes that don't ever want to miss out on a chance to step up to the plate.)** Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. **(Hold up wait a minute. Wasn't Willow expelled, than murdered by B'loody Mary who left her corpse to Lupin to defile and rape post-mortem because he's into necrophilia.)** Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause **(she's probably way prettier than you will ever be, even if she is a big of an idiot as you are)** Willow's really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. **(Flattery will get you nowhere, apparently.)**

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. **(How gratuitous of Ebony, Willow gets to go to the concert with the guy nobody really wants. At least the guy she will never want at any rate.) **Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B'loody Mart **(is this where they buy the bottled blood?)** was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola **(Does he come from the place where they make Ricola) **used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. **(recurring theme)** They dyed **(if they were dyeing while driving it serves them right)** in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. **(because that's how all the world's problems get solved in Tara's world)** He was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. **(These kids are goth right? The pot I get, but wouldn't they be doing 'X' or special K? Most of the questions I ask are rhetorical, but I really want an answer to this one. I want to know if I'm so out of touch that I wouldn't know what drugs would have been trendy when Tara wrote this epic piece of garbage. it was between '06-'07 - I really need to know.) **Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

**("You better put away the crack before the crack puts you away." – sorry about that. I tend to randomly quote song lyrics, but unlike Tara I spell them correctly. Seriously, didn't this happen twice before?)**

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!"

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' **(this shit cracked me up for hours. I nearly pissed my sexah lacy underwear. Is she for real? I still laugh when I think about it.) **on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was… DUMBLYDORE!

**That's all for now folks. I'm still having internet issues but I will try to update at least once a day. Thanks for you reviews. You keep 'em coming and I'll find a way to keep updates coming. **


	10. Chapters 18&19

Chapter 18.

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! **(I'll sell out and be a prep if being gothic or punk is what you are. You're a fucking twat. Goths everywhere must revile you and would probably kill on site.) **fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! **(The infamous saga of the stolen sweater is over. Peace reigns once again in the land of dumb and dumber.) **ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

I woke up the next day in my coffin. **(Raven is back and in affect. The spelling errors don't start until the second sentence.) **I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow **(could this be because she speaks Japanese now. Oops, never mind, it's the r's Asians can't pronounce properly. They don't randomly insert them where they don't belong.)**, blood-bed **(there's only one reason there would be blood on a bed, and I hope to God you're not putting that on your lips)** lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds **(Wait… don't tell me… you bought that at Hot Topic)** inside it.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth) **(If you like death so much why haven't you killed yourself already. I know why because you're a poser.)**. Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what **(No I don't know what Tara, please enlighten me.) **to a Linkin Park **(not goth)** song.)

Well anyway I went down to the Grate **(have you called it that because of the way you grate on everybody's nerves)** Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. **(Tell me, how could you see pink paint underneath black. I know….. she has sex-ray vision.)** And there were pastors **(sheep herders?) **of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson **(not a band) **and the Backstreet Boys. **(and GC, and MCR, and Simple Plan)(please don't misunderstand me. I like these bands, but they are not goth.)**

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. **(I find it impossible to believe that every gothic boy on the planet is bisexual.)**

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel **(his name is Neville, and his life was already tragic. You didn't have to make him a vampire or have his parents die. What happened to them was worse than death.) **was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. **(His bunny was black and it died, oh poor Dumblydore.)**

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

"BTW you can call me Albert." **(His name is Albus, but it makes me think of the Paul Simon song 'Call me Al' and yes I probably gave my approximate age away. If you don't like it fok u!111111) **HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. **(Cool, a class where you learn to become a transformer. That will be handy when Draco or Vampire wreck their cars while driving under the influence.)** We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) **(yeah I get it, but every time I do I feel like something inside me has died. Probably my poor brain cells.) **but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" **(Is this about Vampire or Dumbledore? Either way you missed the mark.)** Willow shouted.

I was so fucking angry.

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise **(You don't need to promise I am quite aware of that) **

**This is such a fucking awesome song. I hate the fact that I share musical taste with this person. I had to question myself in the two or so weeks that I accidently discovered the existence of this horror. After some deep thought, I came to the conclusion that music is universal and that even the dumbest of animals can appreciate it. So if I happen to like the same bands as Tara it does not reflect poorly on me, or the bands.**

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod **(As much as she cuts her wrists I'm certain that she has poor blood. Snape could give you a blood replenishing potion that would take care of that, but wait a minute, you had him sent to St. Mango's.) **so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, **(how do post phone something? Do you call back later? I'm so confused.)** so we could all go. **(Again?)**

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

"No one fucking understands me!1" **(Oh, here we go. Teenaged angst.) **he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) **(please kill me now spare me the agony of dying slowly)** I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) **(NO. I don't want to, and no matter how many times you say you look like Amy Lee I will not believe you.)**

"Accuse me? **(Yes I accuse you. I accuse of being a blatant Mary Sue with an inferiority complex. I also accuse of butchery of the English language; a crime, that in my opinion, should be punishable by law. I also accuse of poor fashion sense. I further accuse of pretending to be goth when all you truly are is a prep in black clothing.)** What about me!" **(Who really gives a shit about you. Are you the only one allowed to have a fucking break down?) **I growled.

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted. **(Why buy butts? Draco, there is no need to turn to prostitutes when you've got the ultimate whore at your disposal.)**

"You fucking bastard!" **(there she goes again where the fuck is Narcissa. She really needs to put this slut right back into her place.)**I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped **(cream?)** and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces **(gross you have shit on you face) **like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. **(Which was it? A cigarette or pot.)**

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated. **(Inside of Hogwarts? I can't be done, just ask B'loody Mary. In the bathroom? What a perv, but it's alright because he's goffik.)**

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco **(didn't she just run from Draco and god I just knew she'd want to do 'you know what' with Tom Rid the first chance she got. Whore.)** but it was Dumblydore.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. **(hey Dumbledore… woohoo look who's coming out.) **"What are u wearing to the concert?" **(Why would Dumbledore care)**

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." **(oh please let it be hand grenade with the pin pulled out)**

**YEah!111 Two chapters in one day I rok!111 Seriously folks let me know what you think.**


	11. Chapters 20&21

Chapter 20.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz. **(Still baffled because I can read that.)**

All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with **(insert missing letter here _)**urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact **(I have very small feet but I've never once referred to any of my shoes as compact.)** boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed **(that must have been messy) **2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. **(horny simpleton)**

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." **(Are you inviting him to?) **I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally. **(If you 'actshelly' had any you may as well give them away since I've not read in any of the sex scenes *cringe* (if they can be called that) that Draco slips a rubber on his boy thingie before sticking it in your you know what.)**

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. **(where?)** Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby **(voyeur!)** was watching!1

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. **(You took away his good time)** Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) **(the more you say it the less I believe it)** but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)**(He's not a fucking student so how can he change houses, and further he's the fucking head of house. The only one who could possibly take that from him would the headmaster. God, I truly hate this stupid bitch.)**

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) **(all by yourself to… yay! Too bad it's not being used in the right context. Oh well, you can't win them all.)**

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin **(like Fuzzy Lumpkin from the Power Puff Girls?) **shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed. **(If I ask a friend, or even a casual acquaintance for condoms I don't it's necessary for me to explain what I'm going to use them for. I could be wrong but that's just me.)**

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. "So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

**(Not going to comment any further on this ridiculous scene because I'm getting a headache and you know what happens when people who are not goths get headaches.)**

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him. **(WTF does that mean?)**

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?" **(Phew, I glad he cleared that up.)**

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather **(Snoop Dog is Vampire's godfather?) **Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it.

….I gasped. **(I would too if my vanity plates were misspelled. They charge an extra thirty five bucks a year for that shit.)**

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Vampire and I began 2 make out, **(whore)** moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. **(You heard him crying over the music. He's a really big pussy, or you have great hearing like the bitch you truly are.)**

Chapter 21.

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! **(Still can't believe that I understand this gibberish. The best part is how she calls Raven a bitch and a prep, then thanks her for the help all in the AN.)**

Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" **(Let me think, you were making out with his ex!)**I asked in a gothic voice. **(A 'gothic' voice: So you actually speak the language of an ancient Germanic tribe too. How many languages do you plan on terrorizing before this is over.)**

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. **(Yes, because every hot man will commit suicide at the mere thought of losing you.)**

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. **(huh?)** "Ill make him feel better."

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" **(Damn right bitch) **I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone **(a homophone is a pink cell phone with glitter and instead of GPS it has gaydar. I'm just kidding. Actual meaning: _Phonetics _. a word pronounced the same as another but differing in meaning, whether spelled the same way or not, as _heir _and _air.*_) **den fuk of!)

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. **(Coke that makes you invincible? I'm going to need at least a kilo of that shit before I'm done with this.**)** We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris **(**_**Mrs. Norris**_** is a cat, but seriously who cares anymore.)** there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke **(Where did they buy this invisibility cloak? It's probably from the 99 cents store.) **and started to meow loudly.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way. **(Eww man boobs, I would be disgusted too.)**

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded. And then….Vampir frenched **(whore)** me! He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin)**(no)** on the gothic red bed together. **(Well which was it the bed or the coffins. Oh who cares.) **As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic **(is that like the magical mystery tour) **walked into the school!1

**AN: Here's one more because I'm in a good mood, and I'm taking full advantage of my neighbor's WiFi. XD**

*** dictionary . com **

**** I do not use, nor do I condone the use of illegal drugs. If I sound like I do, just keep in mind what I have been working with. This is only a temporary condition that can be easily remedied with a hit of 'invincibility coke' JUST KIDDING people. **


	12. Chapters 22&23

goblin - Sorry hun, you don't get to, I made my disclaimer in the first chapter. Besides you wouldn't get much. I own nothing, not even the computer I use to spit my venom with. Thanks for the review. It brought a huge smile to my face.

Uncreativenamethinker - I raise my bottle of blood to you. I won't drink it, but it's raised.

I know there are more of you out there reading. My hit count keeps going up. If you think it sucks I want to know.

Chapter 22.

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **(Magic is not misery, but this story is.)** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. **(Leather pajamas? One thing comes to mind; sweaty cooch.)**Then I gasped. **(I would too if I had to smell it.)**

Standing in front of me where…. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!

I opened my crimson eyes. **(I thought they were blue, and how did you know all these people were there if you hadn't opened your eyes.)** Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. **(blah blah blah) **Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. **(blah blah blah)** Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. **(blah blah blah)** He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped **(blah blah blah) **so it showed of all her clearage **(she had acne but it's all gone now) **with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) **(Jenny? She probably means Ginny. FYI: Jenny is Raven's real name, and she hates it. I bet Tara was trying to piss her off.)** was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. **(They were weaving black gothic dresses. I wanna weave one too. I won't wear it, but I'd weave it.)** It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. **(I thought vampires couldn't die that way? Why the fuck do I care anymore.)** He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. **(Is this the religion that worships Stan Marsh? I would rather be a part of the Cult of Cartman, but I guess he hasn't established a sect at Hogwarts yet.)**

"OMFG" I yieldedas I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"

"Enoby something is really fucked up." **(Yeah, you are.) **Draco said.

"OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." **(that's a novelty)** I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice.

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **(They're teenage boys and they're always that way.)**

"I will I will." he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner **(blah blah blah)**, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. **(blah blah blah) **Then I came. **(you do that all the time WHORE)** We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff **(I'm beginning to think she hates her.)** t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers **(quite creative)** at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia **(sex change!)** Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!" **(I agree it's not as if anybody is getting an actual education.)**

"THE BARK LORD **(ranked only above the Dogfather)** IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" **(if only it were true) **yelled Cornelia Fudge.

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! **(to whom?)** YOU MUST RETRY **(****A****bort, ****R****etry, ****F****ail… take a guess which one applies to pile of crap)** OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!" **(it would have made this horror end sooner)**

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **(What the fuck happened to Harry Potter? Why is Voldemort so insistant that Ebony kill Harry if she's the only one that can kill him. Damn, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I'm trying to apply logic to this, and it's not working. Aaaaaaaagh.)**

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other…I gasped.

Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz! **(you mean flames... Well I am kinda jealous. I'd take 10,000 reviews even if they were flames. *winks at readers suggestively*) **1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox **(You didn't know about the books? Seriously? I doubt that you can even read, but… wow. No words can describe this.)** gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us. **(in half. Alas, it was not so since this atrocity carries on for 21 more chapters we couldn't be so lucky.)**

"MR. WAY **(sex change! Or my hypothesis was right she is a hermaphrodite)** WHAT THE BEEP **(are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?)** ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. **(you're so naughty Dumbledore) **"She means hi everybody cum in!"

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **(now they are twin clones of a Finnish rock star) **I eight **(stupidity is brought to you today by the number 8)** some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting **(with a gun… yay! Maybe a stray bullet will kill you.)** angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother.

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" **(fatherless custard… geddit) **yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1" **(how adorable he wants to share his faecal matter with her.)**

"No I do!" shouted. **(who?)**

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" **(I agree, Lily Potter was a bitch.)** yelled Draco.

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves **(like a momma cat with her kittens)** me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv)**(I thought they were bi so wouldn't that make it ok)** They started to fight and beat up each other. **(sexily?)**

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. **(Just like that. it makes sense since she not only broought down the collective IQ of this sight with this crap, she also brought down the collective magical power of the residents of Hogwarts.)** He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. **(yes, that tends to happen to glass when you fly through it.)** Britney that fucking prep started to cry. **(Seems like Brit is the only one with any concept of how truly evil and powerful Voldemort is.)** Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating **(You kept eating while your boyfriend and your, fuck buddie, were fighting. Damn girl, you are as hard as nails.)**….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent…. **(How could the room be silent witheveryone gasping?) **Volzemort!

"Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer **(Is he suffering from ****dissociative identity disorder?****)** sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!"

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged.

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" **(Then why hath thou not done so?)** Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. **(hope they break your neck in the process)** Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Dracowhile Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. **(That's not a vision he already said he was going to kill Draco to everyone in the great hall.)**

"No!" I screamed sexily. **(Just how do you do that? How the fuck do you do that?)** Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.

"Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!" **(The only thing you're possessed with is stupidity.)**

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though."

"Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went. **(Is this girl her punching bag. it seems as if every time they have a conversation she's cussing her out.)**

** Well folks, we've reached the mid way point. Will Ebony save Draco and Vampire? Will B'loody Mary slap the shit out of Ebony? These intriguing questions and more will be answered on the next edition of... My IMMorTal.**


	13. Chapters 24&25

Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous **(I've got to admit I'd be a bit jealous of 10,000 reviews too, even if they were mostly flames. *hint, hint nudge, nudge*)**so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!

Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry **(Weren't you going to see Professor Sinister in the last chapter? Why do I even ask?) **about the visions.

"Konnichiwa everybody come in." said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She's da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. **(Did she commit suicide too?)** She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b'loody mry get along grate) **(Hermione hated her with a passion. So much in fact that she walked out of her class and never came back.)** She's really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. **(This I believe, she was so wasted half the time that she would probably dress like a fucking clown.)** We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. **(aaaaagh)** I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish **(A black Pole?)** with red pentagrams on it.

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik?"

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. **(if I ever meet you I will break both of your middle fingers)** "Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?"

"Ho about now?" she asked.

"OK." I said.

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcize (geddit) **(yes sadly but every time I do I want throw up)** 1 on page 3."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

"What do you c?" she asked.

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress **(gee I didn't know Draco was into American politics) **shoes.

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Proffesor Sinister.

"Bye bitch." I said waving.

**(If any of my teachers would have ever spoken to me that way I would have made sure that they would never enter a classroom again. However, since there are instances in life when adults want to be "cool" and have kids "like" them instead of respecting them, it is very possible that this character is a real teacher in Tara's school. Sadly, it would explain a whole lot.)**

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. **(you should have been stuffed and mounted too)**

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet **(Justin *if he actually exists* is probably a minor and he shouldn't be gambling.)** u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. **(not again) **We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

"She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, **(please tell me he spiked it with cyanide)** and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the car into a tree. **(he drove the car into the tree and didn't crash. Damn.)** We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.

"And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves **(tiling cloves, sounds more like herbology than sex. Leave Professor Sprout out of this.)** fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. **(some one must have inserted that leather bar into your brain)** I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. **(she has a tool I knew she was hermaphrodite)**

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. **(gism – that proves it I'm right)** We stated frenching passively. Suddenly… I fell asleep. **(yup I'm right she's part dude)** I started having a dream. In it a black **(why did it have to be a black guy, it could have been the one armed man or he could have been wearing a mask. I guess you were trying to bring real 'ishuz' into the story)** guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car. **(did he have a Flintstone's car, because I can't see how you would **_**run away**_** in a car)**

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. **(like t-mobile but goffik)** Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… Lucian and Serious!111

**My AN: I am beginning to notice a pattern here. Mind you, the pattern has nothing to do with the story, but my state of mind. The further I go the angrier I become. I wasn't trying to make this personal, but it has become inevitable. If I appear be cruel, and mean spirited; just remember that if you're reading this, that's what you came here for.**


	14. Chapters 26&27

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11

A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants **(sweaty balls, but it doesn't matter because none of these characters have any) **and a Good Chralotte t-shirt. **(2****nd**** favourite band and can't even get the name right)**

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. **(flirty sobs? What a fucking turn off.)** Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot **(he comes and frots you all the time) **me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. "What fucking dick did that!" **(it was… the black guy)**

"I don't know." **(how quickly we forget when people tell you you're a racist) **I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."

We ran out of the tree **(you were inside the tree? Cool a gothic tree house.) **and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

"Sire **(Long live King Dumblydor.) **are dads **(****Harry's… um,**** Vampire's dad has been dead since 1981)** have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem." **(Was a vision or was it dream, you can't have both bitch.)**

Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?" **(Seriously, she can't spell. How do we know if she can divide?)**

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). "U know very well that I'm not decisional. **(No you are not since you can't seem to get your story straight.)** Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!"

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice. "Were are they?"

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." **(So, is this place like a pentagram 'get it cuz she's goffik' between Long Island and London?) **I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. **(What kind of stuff? Dust the book shelves. Organize his desk. Feed the phoenix.)** After a few mistunes **(this whole story was mistuned) **he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. **(This seems to solve everything) **We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 **(then why you bitchin' 'bout it)** so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport **(ooh 'luv n sport' I thought she wasn't that kind of gf)** n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital **(I can't bring myself to feel bad for you) **rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. **(Mary Sue does it again) **Drako, Lucian, Serious bond **(Bond, Sirius Bond. Can you get anybody's fucking name right?)** Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. "I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **(My mind will be in perdition before I'm done with this.)**

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, **(like the font?)** Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

I smelled happily **(more like dried cum, but whatever) **and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. **(and she dunked your head in, then your tiny brain melted and we all lived happily ever after.)** She said… "Tara, **(Freudian slip perhaps)** I see drak times are near." She said badly. She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner **(wish I had one too, so I could back in time and stop myself from accidently discovering the existence of this piece of ****shit art**** shit) **like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint **(new flavour of Altoids, and dammit if they actually make one I'll be pissed.)** was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **(so he couldn't floo call any of his friends then he got all lonely and stuff so he decided to become evil)** Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. **(with your mighty orgism)** It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. **(huh) **I went outside again sadly.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name **(Cheese in can for every one!)** and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign **(it's called a heartagram and if you weren't such a fucking poser you would know that) **on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises. **(those fucking posers)**

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether. **(So I suppose I should be getting mentally prepare for some bad lemons. You should too.)**

**Last update for today. My neighbors must be at home so the siganl is weak. I had to come out to the front porch to access the internet and update. I'd like a few reviews as a sign of appreciation for my efforts.**


	15. Chapters 28&29

**Fangs 4 das reviows. Just kidding people. Thanks for the reviews. I really appreciate them. It makes the effort of waiting to use my neighbors WiFi (unbeknownst to them) all worth it.**

Chapter 28.

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111

**(she was really angry with this one. I can't even figure out what the hell she jabbering about.)**

We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak **(which is why it was called a black room... duh) **with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason **(how do muggle bands have portraits in Hogwarts) **all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong **(eewww) **underneath.

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it.

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time"

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?"

"Of coarse not!" I gasped.

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. **(Exhibitionist whore! Have I called you that already? Yes, I think I did way back in chapter... oh who the hell knows anymore.)**

Then… I took off Draco's MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. **(Sylvester?) **He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. **(I would have too if somebody spelled my name wrong on a tattoo that shit is for life)** He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4) **(the best kind of whore is a consenting one, then she can't cry rape later on since it's all on video)**.

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock **(aptly named since he's not likely to feel anything)** in my you-know-what and passively **(then why bother to do it at all)** we did it.

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u." he screamed as we got an orgasm. **(Can bi boys fake it? I'm sure Draco just did.) **We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly….

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!"

It was….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111

Chapter 29.

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111

"Oh my satan!1" we screamed as we jamped **(is that a new dance) **out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.

"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher **(could this be spell check attempting make sense out of whatever she typed or does this girl have issues)** McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel **(I didn't know Snape had a sweet tooth)** and put it in his pocket.

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.

"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley **(new character?)** with his gothic red eyes. "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. So give back da camera!1111"

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. **(could've been the library but you or your stupid friends wouldn't recognize what one of those looks like) **There were all these werid tools **(books maybe?)** in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a **(a spoiled little brat who would piss his pants if his character would have gone through half the shit you've made him do.)** sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111). **(Creepy)**

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed **(finally we have an authority on 'everyfing goffik')** so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief **(He's got a goose in his pocket?)** and started to wipe my red eyes. **(I thought they were blue like limpid tears.)**

And then….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. **(Silly me, I thought that's what wands were for.)** They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots **(So didn't get a chance to cast their votes.)** gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand. **(I can hardly believe it, a wand.)**

"Crosio!" I shouted. **(Too bad you can't get the spells right.) **Snap stated 2 scram **(I would too if an idiot with a wand were trying to cast spells against me) **he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. **(I'd like to see Snape do ballet. I wonder what he would look like in a leotard ….… ooh sorry about that got a little lost in thought.)** I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. **(nancy boy)**

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right. **(what the fuck does that mean though I can't help but think of those little cardboard trees people would put on their review mirrors back in the day)** Remember the cideo u took of Snake."

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 **(kinky)**

**What a cliffie. Snape and whips. Sounds right up my alley. Then I come back to reality amd remember what I'm doing here. It was nice to day dream. Until the next time. **


	16. Chapters 30&31

Chapter 30.

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass **(No thanks. Who knows where that thing has been.)**!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. **(Goffs and Satanists will make everything ok)** fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing **(Snape is not a slacker.)** meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. **(Reminds me of an old Bugs Bunny cartoon, anvils just keep falling out of the sky.) **Then… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! **(I don't think that would be remotely possible, even with magic. Something that this story mostly ignores anyway.)**

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

"U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap **(he threatens Draco with Hip Hop? Not my favorite genre, but I'd pay good money to see Snape do it.) **Draco!1"

"No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain **(I truly hate her right now. I know I've said it before, but why oh why did she have to bring Kurt into this.)** and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive. **(Fucking whore)**

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. **(I thought he was a Christian.)** He started to do an incapacitation **(the only thing that's incapacitated is the mind that came up with this shite) **dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage **(can't believe she got that concept right)** to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape. **(in your dreams bitch)**

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted.

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. **(Weren't you all chained up or something)**

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him….

"Crosio!" I shited **(You shited alright. This whole story reeks of something that came out of somebody's ass.) **pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio. **(before or after you sent the text)**

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came.

Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go." **(I think I ran out of things to say. Never saw that coming did you?)**

Chapter 31.

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs **(Did she just call her reviewers queefs? Oh snap.)**!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su **(What else could we possibly call her? I could think of a few things, but I have to finish this crap sometime today, and I would rather do it sooner than later.)** ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." Serious said 2 Snape.

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing!1" Snap clamed.

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. **(who the fuck is this?)** He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing **(what did it play? a dramatic reading of this story because that would be torture -BTW there are some really funny ones on youtube)** it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. **(how do you get moving posters of muggle bands)** Hermoine **(so now she's Hermione again)**, Darkness and Willow came too. B'loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store.

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry.

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. **(blah blah blah)** It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots **(can't get dressed yourself anymore lost too much blood loss I suppose)** Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. **(you shouldn't require any help to paint your face like clown on crack)**

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said.

"Fangs." I said.

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." said Proffesor Sinister. "U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun. **(You're a witch. You have a wand. Why do you require a gun? *bangs head against keyboard in frustration* Why do I even bother to ask?)** I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. "After an hour use da time torner to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin. Then….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. **(you just said it was black)** He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was….Tom Bombodil!1111

**(Ok folks. I've come to the place in this whole convoluted mess where I become quite perturbed. For those who may not know it, Tom Bombadil is from the Lord of the Rings. He was in the books (Fellowship of the Ring, I think), but not in the movie. That's where this turns into a conundrum of 'FanFictional' proportions. Is she for real or was she fucking with us. I suppose the world may never know.)**

**Yes this one was short. So many things I could possibly say but I was at a lost of words. Don't fret my dear readers, I come back stronger, harder, and meaner in the next chapter.**


	17. Chapters 32&33

**Thank you my loveley reviewers. You make this already fun undertaking ('geddit' 'cause I'm burying this bitch) worth while. I love you guys.**

Chapter 32.

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 **(I'm sure you were a mistake too, and they probably dropped you on your head a few times before your first birthday.) **if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111 **(I can't go screw myself **_**and**_** suck.)**

"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam" **(pretty sure his middle name was Marvolo)**

We shok hands. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs." **(almost certain Slytherins were housed in the dungeons) **Satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan…..do u happen to be a fan of Gren **(The Welsh cartoonist?)** Day?" (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) I asked. **(and obviously Green Day existed in the 1940's when Tom was a student, silly me for not knowing that)**

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know?" Satan gasped. "actually I like gc a lot too."(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s)**(just watched the video for this song, and it sounds more 90's 'boybandish' than 80's but I guess that's a matter of opinion)**

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

"guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered.

"hogsment?" I asked.

"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." **(really? that's funny because it was called Hogsmeade in 1991 when Harry started his first year.)** he told me all sekrtivly. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"

'topic!" I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned. **(I know Voldemort is a powerful wizard, but I didn't know he could see the future. I guess he can only see bullshit, because if he could see the things that mattered he would not have tried to kill Harry Potter.)**

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me. **(I'm so glad this makes sense to somebody.)** "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted.

"uh-huh." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin'" **(He is the heir of fucking Slytherin and you can't be bothered to spell it right when it's coming out of his mouth.)**

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED.

"u go to this skull?"(geddit cos im goffik) he asked.

"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili. **(probably smelled more like stale sex and cheap perfume)**

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. **(why hasn't someone shredded you angrily yet... WHY!)** "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair **(Dumbledore's hair was described as auburn in his youth if I remember correctly. I could very well be wrong since I am losing brain cells at an alarming rate.)** and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. **(where?) **"STUPID GOFFS!"

satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps."

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord." **(Who let the dogs out?)**

"wtf?" he asked angrily. **(yeah wtf it's Dark Lord dumbass)**

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn…. the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly." **(because you're a circus freak)**

"hey where r u goin?" satan asked as I fell.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.

"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik.

sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?"

:"um." I looked at her.

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that." **(could that be because you're a crack head)**

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. **(The more she interacts with this character, the more I am led to believe that she is based on somebody real.)**

professor sinster looked sad. "um I was drinking voldemortserum." she started to cry black tears of depression. dumblydum didn't know about them. **(Which, the Voldemortserum or the black tears of depression.)**

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. **(I thought they were black, they can't be black _and _limpid)** "omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum." **(crack head teacher and you want come down on Lupin and Snape for ogling whores that strut around school showing T&A to everyone)**

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ **(that's some deep shit, a crack head teacher)** 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112

Chapter 33.

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?"

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson **(does she need a cure for her addiction or more myspace friends… *help me please I'm losing my mind*)** 4 sum help?"

"Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. **(his t-shirt was a hat)**

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.

"Fine." I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously.

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked.

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

"What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled.

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door…Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife.

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged **(the groceries)** as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. **(it would be statistically impossible to laugh that way)** I tok some photons **(fragments of light?)** of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz **what the fuck does any of that mean I want to stab myself with fork right now**). We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity **(everything about you is dirty you fucking common street walker) **so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. **(this bitch's self esteem must be lower than dirt the need to comapre one self to every thing on TV in the movies or on a music video speaks volumes about her own self image)** (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. Den….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. **(then why the fuck did you change) **I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. **(always had my suspicions about you being nothing but a cum dump)**

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation. **(he was belching while they were having sex I'm about to cry tears of blood because that is just too funny)**

"I luv u TaEbory." **(oops, Mary Sue get back under that mask. It's not your break time yet.) **he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. **(You laughing out loud in your sleep?)**

**There you have it. Thanks again for your comments and reviews. If you've managed to get this far I congratulate you. The only reason I was able to do it is because I was doing the commentary in head as I read. **

**In the next exciting episode Professor Trevolry gets high, a double murder is commited, and we meet a new mysterious man.**


	18. Chapters 34&35

**Thank you to my reviewers. You guys are the best. Those of you who just read; I luv you guys too. Seriously, if you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed trashing it say something. If I've offended you feel free to cuss me out. I'll even remove the profanity filter. I am not too proud to beg. I am not Tara, I don't have people begging me to be thier friend *sniff* pleeeeease review... Ok, that was a bit over the top. Even for me. ) **

Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 **( I bow my head and admit, 'Yes I have.' Black tears of depression stream down my cheeks that are burning with shame.)** u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1

I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. **(fuck and run, that's how you do a ho)** I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss **(blah)** that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. **(blah blah)** There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

"Hi Ibony." he said. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office."

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco **(no please spare us)** or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily. **(Why is she flirting with Sirius? I know why... 'cause she a WHORE.)**

"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol."

I laughed evilly.

"Where r Draco and Vampira?" **(sex change!)** I muttered.

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize **(huh? This girl has some serious issues.)** moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas."

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer **(Was that a drunken slur?) **session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!"

And then….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around…I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. **(I've been mourning too. The double homicide of spelling, and grammar came as such a shock. *sniff* I may never get over it.) **I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. **(Is this Marilyn Manson's eviler twin?)** I noticed…he was drinking a portent.

"Whose he!11" I asked.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." **(Let us remember that Slughorn is short and quite possibly; morbidly obese. In all fairness he may have not have been quite so portly when Tom was his student.) **Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher…..Ebony?"

"Yah?" I asked.

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason **(Is this Marilyn Manson's second cousin?)** is playing in Hogsemade **(I thought it was called Hogsment way back then) **tonight? And they r showing The Exercise **(lets zumba!) **at da movies b4 dat."

"Yah?"

"Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?"

Chapter 35. gost of u **(or the brutal assassination of a beautiful language.)**

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun **(you promise?)** so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.

I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped…..Draco wuz there!111

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.

"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz." **(Do you dig the way she narrates every now and again. It cracks me up.)**

"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. **(what a turn on) **It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and…Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.

"ORLY." I ESKED.

"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. **(and Ebony lives there what a coincidence)** Spartacus **(Why is a Roman soldier playing drums in a crappy gothic band?)** plays da drums" he said ponting to him. "Snap plays the boss. **(That's right because Snape rules.)** And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring." **(A crap film that didn't exist yet.)**

"Hey bastards." **(I really think this girl has daddy issues. She keeps calling people bastard. What's up with that?) **I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. **(still don't know what this means and I don't care)** Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer!" I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.

"We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists." **(rather convenient for Ebony isn't)**

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped.

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." **(*snort*)** Samaro said.

"Wel…..I said Im in a bnad myself."

"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

"Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?"

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song) **(Sure you do. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" does not belong to you, but "bolevrad of broken dremz" is all yours.)**.. Every1 gasped.

"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" **(When you pray to satan you must remember to thank him for fanfiction. Since it's the only place guys will beg for you, at least you can dream about it.) **begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.

"Um….ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight?"

"Yah." they said.

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli! **(Marty McFly can travel through time but I don't think the Delorian can cross the Atlantic ocean)**1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked.

"I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly Den….he took out a blak tim machine. **(did he pull it out of your ass)** I went in2 it and…..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111

**What a fucking loser. Not only does she want to be the most popular girl in school, but she wants to be a rock star too. Any way folks we're getting close to the home strech here. Five more to go. REviEws aRe gREaTly aPpRECiaTed.**


	19. Chapters 36&37

**Thanks for all the reviews. we're near the end now. I will miss you all when its over.**

**Too Lazy: The difference between 'the' and 'da' is one letter, but it's more 'goffik' to say 'da'. As per your other comment, she absolutely confuses emo with goth which why I am certain that she is niether. Fucking poser. **

Chapter 36.

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 **(calling people old will only make them flame you more)** ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111

I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B'lody Mary, Socrates **(who the fuck is this just when I think I know who everybody is she throws me another fucking curve ball. Oh, wait I think this is supposed to be Sirius.)** and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111"

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly.

"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.

Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit **(if you pronounce that the way it's written you can sound Canadian. BTW: I love Canadians. Canada rocks so if any are reading please don't flame me. Unless you want to, and that would ok with me.)** for that too."

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) gasped B'lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?" **(I was on Hot Topic's site when I wrote this. The Home screen had guys and girls dressed in the brightest colors ever. Oh yeah and there's this whole section devoted to guess what….. POP CULTURE. I've got nothing against HT, I shop there sometimes. HT is not the issue here, the issue is these wanna be goth kids with no concept of what the culture is actually about.)**

"OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.

"I can't fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." **(yeah, can't go shopping on empty arteries) **said Willow.

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also….sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly.

"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let's go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111 **(the porn star?)**

"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily.

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. **(What kind of fucked world puts old cancer patients in prison.) **"Now do ur work!111"

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" **(I can believe that he was the original emo kid, and was a hard core goth til his dying day.)** Vampire asked surprisedly.

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111"

He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. **(Mary Poppins said that a spoonful of sugar would make the medicine go down, maybe beer does the same for blood.) **Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. **(How big was this cupboard, and how long was he hiding there.)**

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly…"HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted.

I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was…Amnesia Portion!111 **(Damn he got caught.)**

Chapter 37.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION **(Good for you, maybe you'll reform)** ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL **(who the fuck is Darko)**

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot. "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1"

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata," **(can't even spell her own fucking name right)** said Vampire. "Why would u need it?"

"To make everyfing go faster lol." said Enoby.

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly.

"OMFG u guyz r so scary!11" **(Let's talk about Britney a bit, shall we? Is she a prep? Yes. Does she make fun of Tara? Absolutely. Is Tara scared of Britney? Fo sho, why else would she attack her in a fic. If she could confront her in real life, Britney would have never been a part of this story.)** said Britney, a fucking prep.

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow.

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room."

**(POV changes again, about here. I think)**

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room. But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was. **(There was a definite change in POV but I'm not sure who was narrating here.)**

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag.

"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian **(Is that the re-hab clinic. God I hope so, because she really needs it.) **now. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11" **(Maybe because she's a fucking junkie?)**

Suddenly Dumblydore came. **(Gross)**

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was…Profesor Slutborn's efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. **(and it didn't burn your ass. Oh fuck.)** Suddenly da door opened it wuz…..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket. **(So now its 2****nd**** person POV)**

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, **(who the hell is this)** Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR. **(How is that possible, you went back in time. This song doesn't exist yet.)**

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"

"Oh he's cumming." said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." **(Fuck the mother fucker who gave her gothic names just because she asked.)** Suddenly Satan came. **(Yeah, just like that and because you need him there.) **He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot **(I'd like a slipknot, to put around your fucking neck.)** t-shirt and a blak tie.

"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan.

**The end is nigh, repent or... uh whatever. If you've had anything to do with this atrocity you've already been to hell and back. If you made it this far you are made of some real strong stuff.**


	20. Chapters 38&39

**Thanks for the reviews. They make me feel so good. Anyway, my internet issues have been resolved i.e., I paid for it! So I no longer have to use my neighbor's WiFi in the middle of the night. \^_^/ Now that I'm back I'll be posting like mad unitl it's all done. Three more to go after this.**

Chapter 38.

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? **(There have been rumors to the effect that a sequel was made. Those, were proven to be fake, or so the lore goes. If anybody has proof on an original Tara sequel please PM me.)** oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz **(the quiz is no longer active *sighs* I would have liked to take it just for shits and giggles) **ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111

Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.

"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort **(thought his name was Satan and he doesn't become Voldemort while he's still at school)** agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy) **(no thanks)**

"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." **(Damn you MCR, damn you.)**I said in a flirty voice. "….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?"

"Well…" he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod." **(so kill the bitch now and save professor Trevolry… um Sinister… um whatever the fuck the crackhead bitch's name is.)**

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal **(Was it Count Chocula?) **killer came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists.

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar **(went to HT website there were watches, t-shirts, bags, pendants, and all sorts of other goodies, but no cigars)** sexily **(did you pretend it was his you know what)** from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. **(what kind of a fucking poof would carry an Emily the Strange bag. Oh, I know Satan because he's goff and as we already know every goth boy on the planet is bisexual)** Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. "Enoby gess what?"

I new that the amnesia had worked. **(If it worked wouldn't he have forgotten you dumb. Never mind. What was I thinking. You're Ebony, no man can ever forget you.)**

"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet **(If it hadn't been invented why was it in Slughorn's office?) **so it will not work." He said. "2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u."

"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly. And den…. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. **(Did you use a baby wipe?)** He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched. **(Whore)**

"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. **(no she just didn't want to witness bad sex, it would scar her for life)**

"Fuk u!11" I said. Suddenly…. I attaked her suking all her blood. **(How? Your teeth are straight. You don't have fangs *geddit*)**

"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped **(because you are scary and ugly as shit) **koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.

"Zomg **(Zen on my garden? Zebras on my grass? Zits on my greasy-ass-face? Zinc over mirrored glass? Zips on my gown? Zany ovetures musicalized greatly? Zesty overbites masticate ginger? Zombies order mint gelatin? What the fuck does that mean?)** how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car.

"Siriusly?" he gasped.

"Yah siriusly." I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. **(you smell of sex and blood like a cheap prostitute on the rag.)**

"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?"

"Yah." I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin **(so he's a fish now?)** on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

"I wood like to peasant **(yes that is exactly what they are)**…..XBlakXTearX!11" he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. **(in your insane convoluted dreams)** Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. **(Yeah, you're so gross he wanted to burp the taste of you out of his system.)** "I'M NUT OKAY!1" **(We've noticed)** I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?"

"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.

"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily.

"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"

"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious.

"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro.

"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.

"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm. **(with a knife)**

And den…I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11**(did you strip for it too?) **

"No!111" yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.

**This was the famous chapter posted by the hacker. I didn't make too many comments on this since it is well written for the most part and funny. I didn't need my help at all. Enjoy, but don't skip over it since the real chapter 39 is on here too.**

Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

AN/ I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue."

Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN/I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened.) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married. **(Not a fan of that 'ship, but I don't have a problem with it. That's what fanfiction is all about. You can make the characters do or be anything you desire. What you don't do is insert a pseudo copy of yourself into a crappy story, with poor spelling and grammar, no plot to speak of and unforgiveable amounts of OOCness and inconsistencies.)**

Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.

Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.

Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!" Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod."

/End Crap Fic.

AN/ Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here:

**(You fucking ROCK troll girl.)**

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

I woke up in da Norse's offace **(Viking work spaces this just gets better and better)** on a special gothik coffin. **(on it, as opposed to in it) **Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. **(not bloody likely)** Mr. Noris was cleaning the room. **(the amazing cleaning cat)**

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual. **(you almost did you know what with him, it released some of the tension)**

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded. **(Damn it, Voldemort is not a bastard. A mother fucker yes, but not a bastard. I believe this girl has some real daddy issues that need to be worked out.)**

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. **(to select bloody tears pleae dial 1, to select black tears of depression please dial 2, to select driving a t-bone through Ebony's fucking chest cavity please dial 3. )**

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked. **(all he ever asked of you was to kill one of your fuck buddies. but could you do just one little thing for him… no. what the fuck do you think is wrong you fucking poser bitch!)**

Sudenly…. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD. **(*poof* just like that huh. how convenient)**

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary.

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" **(didn't Vampire just tell you that you're alive)** I gosped.

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u **(death by pirouette, would that be ironic justice)** since u were form anodder time."

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.

"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap **(he possessed himself) **bak den." said James. **(he's alive now, since when)**

"Yah he wuz a spy." **(no fucking shit Sherlock) **Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." **(Is that like a black jack dealer?)**

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." **(how could any of you know who they were. They. Didn't. Fucking. Exist.) **Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. **(yes they were because everybody loves you ever so much) **I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz. **(Mr. Filch hates everbody.)**

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.

"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **(porn version of House of Wax)** said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

I got up suicidally. **(so why didn't you die)** Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. **(Is that a black goffik shotgun?)** Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, **(Who would wear crap like that in a hospital bed? I know… Enoby.)** with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt **(did someone scribble something across her ass 'cause last time I checked thongs do not cover your ass)** and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me **(eww, no thanks)** ill tell u). **(why would anyone in their right mind want a deeper explanation of that hot mess)** I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow. **(How do you gasp and say that mouthful at the same time.)**

"We can go c Hose of Wax **(Gay porn version of House of Wax. This one is about a guy with a big you know what. Draco and Vampire love it 'cause they're bi!)** wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire. **(told ya!)**

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz eructation **(Auto mutilation and burping? What fun.) **666!11" said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den…..I gasped… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz. **(You see two guys doing it which you claim is total turn on, and you actually notice what a guy is wearing? Are you fucking kidding me?)**

"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily.

"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's. **(Snape is not gay, and if he were he'd fuck a real man.)**

"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out. **(mmm steak let's have a barbecue.)**

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it **(with the steak? Noooooo! I was going to eat that.) **suddenly everyfing went blak again.

Sincerely,

An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P

A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains.

**Thanks Troll Girl and thanks to all who have reviewed.**


	21. Chapters 40&41

**The original Chapter 39 was reposted as Chapter 40 presumably by the hacker troll. The mysteries that surround this thing have become a vortex that have sucked me in and have I can make sense out of anything any more. To make a long story short I've copied and pasted the commentaries from the last chapter into this one. If you enjoyed feel free to read it again. If the reading of the original is too much torture even with my witty commentary proves to be a bit much for you, feel free to scroll down to Chapter 41. As always, your comments and reviews are most welcomed and greatly appreciated.**

Chapter 40. LOL! Someone has taken my account over!

THE IDIOT'S NOTE: Well... this was in the doc area... might as well let the whole world see what the real Tara wanted to show us... Have a nice day!

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

I woke up in da Norse's offace **(Viking work spaces this just gets better and better)** on a special gothik coffin. **(on it, as opposed to in it) **Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. **(not bloody likely)** Mr. Noris was cleaning the room. **(the amazing cleaning cat)**

"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual. **(you almost did you know what with him, it released some of the tension)**

"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded. **(Damn it, Voldemort is not a bastard. A mother fucker yes, but not a bastard. I believe this girl has some real daddy issues that need to be worked out.)**

"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. **(to select bloody tears pleae dial 1, to select black tears of depression please dial 2, to select driving a t-bone through Ebony's fucking chest cavity please dial 3. )**

"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked. **(all he ever asked of you was to kill one of your fuck buddies. but could you do just one little thing for him… no. what the fuck do you think is wrong you fucking poser bitch!)**

Sudenly…. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD. **(*poof* just like that huh. how convenient)**

"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary.

"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" **(didn't Vampire just tell you that you're alive)** I gosped.

"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u **(death by pirouette, would that be ironic justice)** since u were form anodder time."

"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.

"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap **(he possessed himself) **bak den." said James. **(he's alive now, since when)**

"Yah he wuz a spy." **(no fucking shit Sherlock) **Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer." **(Is that like a black jack dealer?)**

"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." **(how could any of you know who they were. They. Didn't. Fucking. Exist.) **Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. **(yes they were because everybody loves you ever so much) **I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz. **(Mr. Filch hates everbody.)**

"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.

"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **(porn version of House of Wax)** said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1"

I got up suicidally. **(so why didn't you die)** Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. **(Is that a black goffik shotgun?)** Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, **(Who would wear crap like that in a hospital bed? I know… Enoby.)** with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt **(did someone scribble something across her ass 'cause last time I checked thongs do not cover your ass)** and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don't get da idea massage me **(eww, no thanks)** ill tell u). **(why would anyone in their right mind want a deeper explanation of that hot mess)** I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow. **(How do you gasp and say that mouthful at the same time.)**

"We can go c Hose of Wax **(Gay porn version of House of Wax. This one is about a guy with a big you know what. Draco and Vampire love it 'cause they're bi!)** wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire. **(told ya!)**

"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz eructation **(Auto mutilation and burping? What fun.) **666!11" said Hermoine. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den…..I gasped… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz. **(You see two guys doing it which you claim is total turn on, and you actually notice what a guy is wearing? Are you fucking kidding me?)**

"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily.

"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's. **(Snape is not gay, and if he were he'd fuck a real man.)**

"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out. **(mmm steak let's have a barbecue.)**

"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it **(with the steak? Noooooo! I was going to eat that.) **suddenly everyfing went blak again.

Chapter 41.

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. **(Some hacks into your account and you're such a dip shit that you don't even delete the stuff they put there when you get it back ) **im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons **(plastic surgery has come a long way) **I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.

When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse's office but it looked difrent! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic? at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander **(Just because the Beatles are British does not mean that they would be popular in the magical community. This chick does not get it. I would like to know what space ship did you land on? The Beatles were popular in the 1960's not the 1980's. You fucking ignoramus.)** with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said '1980.'

"OMFG! Im back in Tim **(Tim too, what a slut bag)** again!111" I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!).**(For what?) **Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. **(wouldn't his junk get caught in the holes)** He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!11

"OMFG Enoby r u ok." He asked gothikally.

"Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation." I snapped sexily. "OMG am I dedd?" koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame's gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!111

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. **(Renaming fic: The Goffik Sisterhood of the Time Travelling Wrist Slitting Whores)** I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner **(is that the stuff you put in the copy machine?)** or da tim machine.

"No ur not dead." Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette **(Cigarettes are a form of suicide, i.e., cancer, heart failure, blah, blah, blah… but nobody I know smokes them 'suicidally'.)** sexily and smoke came all over his face. "Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy's dad **(how can he know that) **is doing."

I noo dat da real reason I didn't die from da ballet was koz I **(ballet dancing can not be held responsible for anybody's death)** was from da future. "WTF! James almust shot Luciious!" I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn't want him2 know I knew. **(Yes, because it would be a paradox. Except that you probably don't know what that is, and you're just holding out because you're stupid.)**

"Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress." Satan reasoned evilly. **(So far headaches make people cuss and attempt murder. Damn, I think I feel a migraine coming on.)**

"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 **(Some people have gaydar this bitch has bi-dar)** He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel **(that would have been 80's if she had acyually been referring to Billy Joel and not Billy Joe)** wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically.

"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. **(Getting angry at someone because you don't know who they are makes you psycho.)**

"Dis is…Hedwig!11" Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

"Hey Hedwig." **(I thought **_**she **_**was an owl.)**I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. **(I doubt that you would be even if you tried.)**

"Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. **(today they would be learning how to comb a thestral.s mane even if they can't see it) **He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!) **("I don't want to," said the very intelligent, well read, and articulate young woman who has probably killed off a half million brain cells with this pointless endeavour, petulantly.)**

"Bye." I sed all sexily.

"Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails. **(All the guys are bi but not the the girls. Does Tara have something against Lesbians?)**

"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- **(your dildo?)** a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!). **(What part of muggle electronics do not work at Hogwarts does not compute with this chick.)**

"Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. **(Go on, forsake your education to satisfy your sexual impulses.) **Im going 2 show u something grate!1" I led them to da Great Hall. "Cum on u guys."

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.

"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1" **(How could they fucking know that. Were their children born while they were still at school. I wouldn't think so since all the guys seem to be fucking eachother or Tara.)**

"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.

"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! **(Oh goody, we're spared from more horrible lemons)** Now Vampire's dad wood never die and "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod.

"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. **(Oh darn, I spoke too soon.) **We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.

"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" **(Satan, his fucking name is Satan!) **screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's. **(Frued would have a field day with this girl if he were alive today. She can describe all kinds of sexual activities to the best of her very limited abilities, but she cannot call sexual organs by their proper (or improper) names.) **

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame…Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!111111111111

**Oh no! What will happen next? Will Satan and Hedwig have to holster thier glocks? Will Dumbledore have a headache again and go on a rampage? Find out the answers to these intriguing questions and more on the next update of... My Immortal!111**


	22. Chapters 42&43

Chapter 42. da blak parade **(or march of the goffik retards)**

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111.**(I'm still surprised by the fact that you can actually read.)** I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort **(not)** koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy **(eww I'd hate him too if he was hairy)**!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox **(amazing that was almost right)**!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? If dey don't den JKR is homophobic **(slander, somebody slap this bitch with a steak and a law suit)**!111111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts, **(where are the facts I don't see any)** medusa u rok!111

I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. **(no shit sherlock)** He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. **(why was it on **_**your **_**ipod)**

"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time.

"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said.

"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly.

"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." **(Yeah, you fucking whores)** He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. **(for somebody who claims to hate mainstream you keep a lot of it on your ipod)** Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece.

"You fucking poser." I muttoned. **(you became lamb meat.)**

"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!11

"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.

"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.

"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom.

"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously. **(You tell 'em Dumbledore.)**

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! **(This started out as just a bunch of misspelled words slapped together, now its morphed into text speak. I hope that technology will not make us so lazy that this will become acceptable. I love technology, but I love the proper use of language more.)** I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was…..Satan.

"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt **(blah)** with hot pink fishnetz, **(blah) **a sexy blak MCR corset **(blah, blah)** and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. **(blah, blah)** My earrings were blake Satanist sins **(blah, blah, blah)** and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. **(who gives a flying fuck)**

"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice.

"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him.

"Kool what's an ipatch?" **(it's what I'm going to need after I gouge my eyes out) **he whimpered.

"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked.

"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" **(Tara)** he esked in his sexah voice.

"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.

"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled. **(You're an idiot, you must be the real Ebony.)**

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, **(blah)** blak baggy pants **(blah, blah) **and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive. **(again I don't give a flying fuck what these whores are wearing!)**

"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick. **(damn, damn, damn it's a good thing this shit is almost over)**

"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. **(I thought it was black now)** He waz wearing a black P?ATD **(not to be confused with P!ATD)** t-shit **(sounds painful)** and blak baggy pants.

"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.

"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth. **(what the fuck does that mean?)**

Suddenly Satan started to cry. **(what a fucking pussy)**

"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.

"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked. **(OMFG Ebony I can't live if you dont like me even though you were just making a video of me screwing another boy just a few scant minutes ago.)**

"No I still like you." I said sexily to him.

"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.

"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly.

"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. **(go Britney!) **I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly.

"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.

"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia **(sex change!)** is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly.

"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?" **(um, maybe because he's bi as you've made a point of telling us repeated throughout this crap)**

"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said. **(they just keep wasting steak dammit, don't they realize there are hungry people in this world)**

"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" wiv dat I ran out.

"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried. **(It must get hot under that mask. So every few chapters Mary Sue removes it so she can cool off and get some oxygen to her brain.)**

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff **(Hilary Duff was a well-adjusted child star that grew up to be a successful author. More than you will ever accomplish in two life times.)** and Lindsey Lohan. **(have at 'er.)**

"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.

"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed. **(yeah, like totally. It's gonna be so awesome. There's gonna be blood and guts and everything.)**

"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating **(Huh? I thought she was a satanist.) **my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.

"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. **(The ever powerful finger. Works against all manner of preps.) **In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" **(sex change!)** I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1)"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.

"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me."

"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously.

"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.

"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY. **(as if you ever could)**

"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.

"OK." I argreed. Suddenly….all da lights in da room went out. And den….da Dork Mark appeared.

"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.

"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."

"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.

Chapter 43.

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!111111 if u flam den fukk u!111

I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there! He sat der in deddly bloom **(what the fuck does that mean? Seriously how does anything dead, bloom? Am I fucking crazy? I must be, I've read this shit countless times already. Somebody call 911 and have the men in white coats come to take me away.)** in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.

"Draco are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm not okay." he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette **(a joint, an el, a fattie… seriously I don't even smoke weed but I know you don't call it a pot cigarette)** and he started to smoke it.

"Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?" **('cause he's fucking sexy and I wanted to hear him whisper dirty little nothings in my ear as he… Oh my. So terribly sorry about that. My Mary Sue moment is over. I don't know what came over me. It must be contagious.) **I asked teardully.

"I-" Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room! They didn't see us.

"Im so glad we me and Snape were freed." said Loopin.

"Dam, this job would be great if it wasn't 4 da fukking students!" Mr. Norris argreed.

"Pop addelum!111" **(She makes spells up. I, ah… *face palm*** **everybody does it at some point, but most writers use an English to Latin translator. She just pops shit out of her ass.) **I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.

"Noooooooo!1" Lupin shouted as chains came on him. Mr. Norris ran away.

"You fukking perv." I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness **(Rant alert: That is not a fucking word. Depression is not evil. Depression is a disease that must be treated. It has become quite obvious to me that Tara, and in essence her guardians live in complete denial of the issues that plague this poor disturbed girl.) **in my voice. "Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I'm gong 2 torture u!"

"I don't now where he is!1111" said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn't know who Satan was really.

"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.

I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. We all began making out 2gther sexily. **(It's official, Ebony is a whore. Tara probably has fantasies of being sandwiched between two men but it's quite likely never going to happen. So she lives out her fantasies here.) **I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes. Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. **(Maybe, maybe not. I still think you're a hermaphrodite. That's my theory I'm sticking to it.)** "Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry. **(At the same time? He has two? Hmm... I'm going to have to reevaluate my thoughts about Draco.)** I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly…..

….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11

**One more to go. FYI: Loose ends will be plentiful, but since none of it made any sense to begin with… WHO CARES!**


	23. Chapter 44, Epilogue & Credits

**Well dear readers, this is it. The last chapter. I thank all who have joined me on this wild ride, especially the reviewers. I hope you have found as much enjoyment in reading this as I have found in ripping it apart. Have fun and don't forget to tip the writer on the way out. d*.*b**

Chapter 44.

AN: well I hav noffing 2 say **(for somebody that had nothing to say she sure said a whole lot.) **but evrt1 stup glamming ok!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 omfg im leeving dubya **(Oh, you mean Dubai, I thought you were having a weekend tryst with George W. Bush.) **pretty soon kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak. **(last chapter! All together now – ding dong the Sue is dead.)**

"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz….Snape! **(Snape can fly why would he need a fucking car.)**

"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing **(He's driving a car and cutting off your fore skin? I always knew Snape was a freak but damn that's down right kinky.)** above us. "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!"

"You fucking prep!" yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!" **(He's a rope maker? Here I thought the art had been lost.)**

We all put our clothes on quickly **(Does anyone ever take a shower after having sex anymore) **except Satan. We were so scarred!1 But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed **(he didn't change, but he changed what the fuck is wrong with this bitch) **into a man with gren eyes, **(they were not, can't you get anybody's eye colour right)** no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into… Voldemont!111 **(he changed into a flying mountain?)**

"I knew who thou were all along." **(Yeah because I can see the future. I can't see anything of actual importance but you I saww.) **he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!" Thunder came in da room. **(How can thunder come in the room unaccompanied by lightning?)**

"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire. **(What a fucking little pussy.) **Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in. **(just like that huh?)**

"What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. **(Did it fly up his ass, and tickle his prostate?)** Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)**(Rant alert: for the last fucking time yes I get it you dumb cunt. You must be a complete idiot and therefore you believe that everyone on the planet is as fucking stupid as you are. Thank goodness we're not all cut from the same goffic cloth that you are. Heaven or hell help us all if we were. The whole fucking would have imploded if we were all as moronic as you. Reading this makes me wonder if you were inbred, that would explain it as nothing else could.)**

"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" **(Don't make Snape sound like an idiot just because you are. How can they submit to anyone after they've been killed?)** Snape ejaculated menacingly. **(You go Sev. I can't think of a better way for it to be done.)**

"You fucking preppy fags!" **(This coming from somebody who claims to love gay and bi boys.)** Serious shouted angrily.

"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, **(Tara)** CRUCIATUS!" **(that's nine dimwit and the spell is crucio) **screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, **(the one where you were fully clothed?) **the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with **(serves you right you dirty cum dump, besides why were you using his camera)**

"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." **(only in your dreams, she must think Paris is cool, if any celeb out there is a prep it's Paris. Seriously, pink everything and toy dogs in hand bags.)** He laughed meanly.

"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11" **(If everyone is gay and bi why would that matter?)**

"Whats she talking abott?" Lupinslurped **(He slurped? Was he eating an ice cream cone or sucking somebody's cock?) **as he sat in chains.

"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily. **(is that all they got? seriously? pathetic)**

"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin roared.

"Foolish ignoramuses!" yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. "Thou shall all dye **(Easter eggs) **soon."

"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" Harry yelled **(did he finally grow a pair?)** and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! **(what's with the fucking guns they are wizards they have wands they go to a magical school to be trained for seven bloody years)** But Voldimort took out his own one.

"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" **(Hey leave us the hell out of this. We got our own issues to contend with.) **I shouted despariedrly.

"Acco **(God bless you.)** Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind **(gross)** was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111" **(how redundant, last time I checked killing somebody results in death, unless you're Ebony or one of her dumb friends)**

He maid lighting come all over da place. **(and miraculously no one was struck)**

"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried. **(he would never say that, he's the most powerful wizard alive why would he need a dunderheaded Mary Sue poser wanna be goth chick to save him)**

I cried sexily **(still don't get how you do that. Whenpeople cry they make the most horrible facial expressions, even the pretty people. I guess since Ebony is so fucking fake her face remains in the same position even when she cries.) **I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends **(I'm just at a lost, group cutting sessions. Do these kids actually do that? Is it a contest? Let's see who bleeds longest or the most?)** while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco **(Oh please, no more bad sex. I had enough.) **but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. **(this whole story was impotent thank god it's finally over)**

"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted. **(and you fail, unless you were trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat, then that spell would have worked out just fine)**

**45. Epilogue & Credits**

**Tara's portion of the story is done. I'm not quite sure what happened to the ending. Her story probably got deleted before she ever got a chance to post it. According to the internet lore surrounding the story, she tried to upload again only to have it all deleted.**

**Everything from this point onward is mine. I will not use bold type after this to facilitate reading. Thanks for sticking with me through this insanity. Enjoy, and don't forget to check out the sale at Hot Topic. All music T's are by one get one 50% off.**

"You fool" cried Voldemort casting a killing curse on Ebony swiftly, only to find that she didn't die. "Mary Sues are immortal bitch, everytime you kill one another crops up in its place" screamed the next incarnation in line, Ebondy. Voldemort gasped.

Upon the destruction of the first evil gothic whore Harry woke up from the trance he'd been living under. He was somewhat confused about what had been going on, but the thing he knew without any doubt was that he had a destiny to fulfil. It was time to act. He took full advantage of the fact that Voldemort was distracted by the evil Mary Sue. "Avada Kedavra!" he shouted and a sickly green light left his wand taking down the most evil wizard in the world.

Ebondy cackled maniacally thinking that she was safe, now that her biggest enemy had been vanquished. Suddenly, deep within her pale body there was a great struggle. She fought to keep control but it was just too much. She began to shake violently. "It's my turn to lead us," demanded Enoby. "No it's mine," Evony shrieked.

Enobby, Enony, Mr. Way, and Eboby were making their own pleas for control of the pathetic body they were stuck in. Each wanted to take control, but there were just too many of them.

Egogy was confused, and Taebory whined petulantly, "I want to screw Draco." Tata and Ebory knew that the strongest of them had to be in charge if they were going to survive, so they summoned Tara. When Tara finally got all the Sues under control she turned to Harry with a saccharine smile plastered on her swallow face. "Vampire, where's Draco?"

Harry grimaced and answered her in a harsh tone, "My name is not Vampire, it's Harry James Potter, and you must be destroyed."

Tara gasped. She could not believe what was happening. Her hold on everyone was slipping. She had divided herself into too many personalities. Her powers were beginning to weaken. She wanted to run but there was no place else to go. In that other world she wasn't in charge. She was unpopular and lonely. She was a loser and freak.

"I'm not going back there Harry Potter. You can't make me." Tears began to fall from her ice blue eyes and the tons black eye liner that she applied faithfully each day made grotesque tear tracks down her pasty cheeks. Harry knew that in a matter of speaking she was right. He did not possess the power to destroy an evil Sue. A hand touched Harry's shoulder, and he felt comfort from the man who had always guided and protected him. "It's alright son, you have done well. You have fulfilled your destiny, and Voldemort is no more. This evil is not yours to destroy." Dumbledore's words were a balm to the young wizard. Defeating Voldemort and fighting off the spell of the evil Mary Sue had left his magical energy depleted.

The old wizard raised his wand ready to battle an evil the likes their world had never contended with before. Tara glared at him, her black lips twisted in a cocky sneer. "You will not defeat me so easily Dumbledore."

Dumbledore knew that it was true, he was a great wizard, but at his advanced age fighting dark magic would come at a great cost. It would not stop him from facing his opponent valiantly. He was prepared to die for the cause, but it was not to be. "No," said a deep voice, causing both Tara and Dumbledore to look away from each other. "Leave this to me," he said. With piercing eyes he glared at his enemy.

"Are you sure Severus?" Dumbledore asked his young professor.

"Yes, headmaster," he said never taking his eyes off of his enemy. "This magic is very dark in nature, but I am more than prepared to fight it."

"Very well," Dumbledore relented. He understood better than anyone the damage the evil Mary Sue had inflicted upon the potions master. He never once doubted his true loyalties, and had full confidence that he would defeat her once and for all.

"Sn- sn- snape?" She stammered, when confronted with the dark wizard. You see, she was quite powerful, but she was no occlumens. Had she taken the time actually study magic instead of changing out of one slutty outfit and into another she may have stood a chance. Snape entered her mind with ease. Her thoughts were muddled with tacky clothing, boys, bad sex, and musicians, but it didn't take long for him to find what he needed to finally defeat her.

With a quick flick of his wand Tara was silenced and bound. Another sudden swish summoned a school broom. Everyone stared, but no one dared to question the stern professor. He lifted the nearly anorexic school girl and threw her over his shoulder. He flew the short distance to the town of Hogsmeade. When they reached a point far away enough from the school grounds, Snape apparated them both.

They reappeared at the shopping mall near Tara's home. Snape cast a quick notice-me-not spell, and summoned a book from the shop a few doors down. He stroked the spine as was his habit, and opened the cover to peruse the jacket. Satisfied with the contents, he released the ropes and tucked the book under the girl's arm. He released the silencing spell, she was too shocked to say or do anything.

He looked up to make sure that he had landed in the correct place. He looked at the still shocked girl's eyes and pointed his wand directly at her. "Obliviate," he said coldly. Her eyes glazed over, and Snape smirked. "Go fuck with somebody else's world," then he spun her around and shoved her so she was inside the Hot Topic store they'd been standing in front of the whole time.

Upon returning to Hogwarts Snape found that all of Tara's former victims were swimming in the lake. Some were frolicking with giant squid, while others were splashing water at each other. The dark spell had been lifted, and gone along with it the unseasonal cold weather. It was a lovely summer afternoon. The water at the edge of the lake had become black with the residue of eyeliner and hair dye, but nobody seemed to care.

Snape became lost in thought and did not notice that someone had approached him until he found himself face to face with Harry Potter. Harry stuck out his hand and offered it to Snape. He hesitated a bit, but took the boy's hand and shook it. Harry smiled at his professor and said, "Severus Snape, you're the bravest man I ever met."

**The End**

**AN: I could have easily killed her, but I chose to do what every good fanfic author should do. I put her back where she belonged when I was done. As for the book Snape gave her, use your imagination. I know from Tara's profile page that she likes Twilight, it would be easy enough to kill her in that world. If I'm bored enough I'll write a spoof. If you feel inspired write your own and PM me!**

**You may have noticed by now that I am a Snape fan, so of course I had to redeem his good character.**

**Credits**

The world of Harry Potter belongs to Joanne K. Rowling. Thank you for creating such brilliant characters, and for allowing your fans to have fun with them.

My Immortal belongs to Tara Gilesbie, known as xxxbloodyrists666xxx on this site.

Thank you for writing the world's worst fanfic. If you were a troll, you are a genius and I bow to you. If this was real and you are reading this, then you already know what I think of you.

**Cast in its entirety including multiple spellings and changes in names:**

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way / Ebondy Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way / Enoby / Evony / Enobby / Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way / Mr. Way / Eboby / Egogy **(my personal favourite)** / TaEbory / Tara / Ibony / Enopby

Draco Malfoy / Drago / Drako / Drake / Darko / Drico / Dracko

Willow **(Tara's friend Raven and her beta. Ha! bloodytearz666 on this site, writes crap too but she knows how to use spell check)**

Dumbledore / Dumbledeor / Dumbledor / Dumblydore / Dumbledoree / Albert / Dumbelldore / Dumbledork / Dumbledum / Dubleodre / Dumblehor / Dumblydor / Dumblydum / Dubledork / Dumbledark

Professor McGonagall / McGoggle / McGoonagle / Preacher McGongel / McGoogle

Professor Snape / Snap / Snake / Snope / Snoop / Serverus / Snipe / Snip

Harry Potter / Vampire / Vampir / Vrompire / Vampure / Vampirz / Hairy / Vampira

Hermione Granger / B'loody Mary Smith / B'loody Mair / B'loody Mairy / B'loody Mart / B;loody Mary / B'loody Mry / Boldy Mary / B'lody Mary

Voldemort / Vlodemort / Volfemort / Volsemort / Voldemprt / Volcemort / Tom Rid / Tom Riddle / Volxemort / The Bark Lord / Volzemort / Darth Valer / Voldemint / Tom Bombodil / Satan / Da Barke Lord / Voldremort / Voldimort / Volximort / Tom Andorson / Voldement / The Dork Lord / Voldemont / The Dark Lord / Voldrimort

Britney **(person whom I believe to be Tara's real life nemesis)**

Crookshanks **(the half kneazle was mentioned, but his name was confused with a spell)**

Ron Weasley / Diabolo / Diablo

Hagrid / Hargrid / Hairgrid / Hahrid / Hargrif

Lupin / Loopin / Lumpkin / Lumpin

Cedric / Sedric

Snaketail **(this was supposed to be Wormtail but she got his name wrong every time, his character had an extremely small role)**

Death Dealers / Death Deelers **(Death Eaters were only mentioned a few times and she never got the name right)**

Navel / Dracola / Dracula / Nevel / Nevil **(Neville's name was never spelled correctly)**

Lucian / Lusian / Luscious / Lucan / Luciious **(Lucius' name was never spelled correctly)**

Dobby

Sirius Black / Dog father / Series / Serious Blak / Serious Bond / Serifs / Sorious / Sodomize / Socrates / Silas / Hades

Mr. Norris / Mr. Noris **(this should have been Mr. Filch, but she seemed to have him confused with his cat)**

Filth / Filch **(Should have been Mrs. Norris, Mr. Filch's cat)**

Fug / Cornelia Fudged / Cornelia Fudge / Cornelio Fuck / Cornelia Fuck / Cornelio Fuk **(Cornelius Fudge's name was never spelled correctly)**

Ginny / Jenny / Darkness

Crabbe / Crab

Goyle / Goyke

Doris Rumbridge **(Presumably Dolores Umbridge)**

Professor Sinister / Trevolry / Sinatra / Siniater / Sinistor **(Sinstra and Trelawney morphed into one person and the names changed according to Tara's mood)**

Professor Slutborn / Slutgorn / Slugborn **(Slughorn's name was never spelled correctly)**

James / Samaro / Jomes / Jamez /Jame

Troll Girl **(Girl who accessed Tara's account and wrote false ending)**

Hedwig **(Voldemort's homosexual lover, not to be confused with Harry's owl.)**

**Special Musical Guests (with multiple spellings)**

My Chemical Romance / Mi Kremicili Romacio / Mikey Way / Gerard Way / Gerod Way / Gerard Woy / Geord Way / Gerrd Way / Gierord Way / Frank Iero

Good Charlotte / Good Chralotte / Joel Madden / Benji / Good Chraloote

Simple Plan

Marilyn Manson / Marlin Mason / Charlyn Mason / Marylin Munzon

**Additional Story Music Provided by the following (with multiple spellings):**

Linkin Park / Likin Park / Lonken Prak

50 Cent

Green Day / Billy Joe Armstrong / Billie Joe Armstrung / Gren Day/ Gurn Day / Billy Joel

Avril Lavigne / Avril Levine

'Nsync

**Bands, Singers and Other Artists Mentioned:**

Amy Lee / Evonezcence

The Beatles / The Beetlez

Kurt Cobain / Nrivana

Hilary Duff / Hilery Duff

Lindsay Lohan

Frum First to Last

Him / Ville Vollo

Slipknot / Slipnot

P?ATD / Panik at da Disko / Panic? at da dizcko

Ashlee Simpsom

Backstreet Boys

Chester

Pierre

Paris Hilton / Paris Hillton

**Cameo apperance by (with multiple spellings):**

Morti Mcfli / Morti McFly

**Wardrobe Provided by (with multiple spellings):**

Hot Topic / Hot Topik / Hot Ishoo

Warped Tower

Abercromie

Amrikan Ogle Outfters

Congress Shoes

**Special Thanks to the House Elves of Hogwarts for Providing the Following:**

Count Chocula / Count Chorcula

Bottled Blood

Steak

**Hogwarts Curriculum**

Hair of Magical Creatures

Potions / Portents / Potionz

Biology

Math

Transformation

Deviation **(Where was this class when I was high school?)**

**Places of interest (with multiple spellings)**

Hogwarts - England Campus

Hogsmeade / Hogsmede / Hogsment / Hogdsemade

Wesley's Whizard Wises

**Government Institutions (with multiple spellings)**

Mystery of Magic / Misery of Magic

St. Mango's / St. Manga's

Abkhazian / Azkhabian / Akazaban / Azerbaijan

**Films and Television that Inspired the Author (with multiple spellings)**

The Corpse Bride / The Corps Bride

Undre World

Cinderella Story

Vrampir Kroniklz

Buffy

Da Nigtmare b4 xmas / Das niteMARE b4 xmas

Hoes of Wax / Hose of Wax

Mr & Mr Smith

Da Grudge

The Exercise / The Excercist

Da Ring

The Ring 2

Lake Placid

Shrak Atak 3 / Shark Attak 3

Saw 2

Paris Hilton P-video

**Hope I didn't leave any out. This has been a blast. Until we meet again, P-S is signing out. Reviews = Love.**


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